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June 27th, 2006

Where Have All the Manners Gone?

Nicholas Murray Butler said, "There are many things that go to make up an education, but there are just two things without which no man can ever hope to have an education and these two things are character and good manners."

We spend a lot of money, time and resources educating our children today. Education has become more and more important, however basic life skills such as manners and good character are taught in a less structured way than in previous years. Finishing schools became passé, stay-at-home mothers entered the workforce and with the frenetic pace of life, taking the time to teach our children proper manners and etiquette seems almost impossible.

Fortunately, there is plenty of hope for parents. First, however, let's define manners and character. Character is the sum of one's distinctive traits, qualities and predilections, and amounts to one's moral constitution. It's not the same as one's reputation. Character is the core of who you are; reputation is what someone says you are. The six pillars of character are: Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring, and Citizenship.

Manners refer to the socially correct way of acting (i.e. proper etiquette). It's not only saying "Please"; and "Thank You";, but so much more; it's the way in which you conduct yourself in the company of others. If you ask small children to tell you what manners are, you might hear responses such as: "Don't burp";, "Be nice";, "Say please";, etc.

So, how do we begin to teach our children?

1. First, discuss with your spouse the important manners you wish to instill in your children. This common ground will help you maintain consistency with your children and support each other in establishing the ground rules.
2. Second, tell them why it's important to you and what you expect from them. Better yet, if your children are a little older, decide as a family what you feel is important, both in character and in manners. Offering children the opportunity to contribute to the rules will help them buy-into and respect those rules.
3. Third, be role models. They will mimic what they see. While we all wish it was a "do as I say, not as I do"; kind of world, as parents we know the truth. Nothing escapes the eagle eyes of our children.
4. Fourth, help them to understand good manners and good character traits by asking them about specific examples that they see around them. Perhaps there was an incident at school or something you saw at the pool, in the mall or at a restaurant. Let your children offer their own suggestions of what actions would be appropriate in the situation; you may be pleasantly surprised at their ideas!
5. Fifth, use the television. Today's TV programming certainly does not epitomize good manners and etiquette. Limit the exposure of programs that do not reflect the message you have sent to your children. However, when the opportunities arise, use an example from a scene on television to talk about it with your child and help him/her distinguish between good and bad.
6. Finally, and most importantly, understand that everyone makes mistakes. Use opportunities in which mistakes are made, whether by you or by your child, to acknowledge the wrong and take steps to right it. Probably the single biggest role model you can be is a person who accepts his/her mistakes in a gracious manner and then acts to correct a wrong-doing.

The best way to begin teaching manners is at the table. Research has shown that family mealtime is attributed as the greatest reason for high achieving students. It fosters good conversation skills, good table manners, and social skills, builds vocabulary, helps them to focus on others instead of themselves by discussing how mom and dad's day went and makes them aware of the world around them. So, put it on the calendar: Family Mealtime is a MUST!

Looking for additional help and resources in teaching manners? Please visit www.protocolexperts.com for more information on children's etiquette programs. You can also find their programs offered through The University of Richmond's Continuing School of Studies, Think Again Catalog.